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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape. "It ai
n't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!" |
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a
prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!" |
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run out
side as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the l
ook of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK." |
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm st
ill in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're
you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband
said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again." |
A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the w
oman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..." |
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK. |
Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"
"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife an
d three well-behaved children." |
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself s
aying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself
, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" |
| A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!"
He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't
smell anything down here but molasses ..." |
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," sai
d the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I ch
eated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!" |
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