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A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at
the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall." |
| How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin. |
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about you
rself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".
God then aske
d Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".
God then turned to Bill Gates, who was sta
ring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair". |
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?" | <
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How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast." |
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met. |
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met! |
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be
sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?" |
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side. |
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused,
his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've
got nothing left to believe in!" |
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